I work from home, but every once in a while I need to go into the office, and I take the train into the city. Not long ago, I had one of these days, so I made my plan to take an early morning train in order to get to the office on time.

As is usual, I told my husband of the plan. His face immediately showed concern. “What time to do you need to leave?” he asked. Because he left early as well to get to work, which would mean our son would have to let himself out of the house to ride his bike to school.

“Oh, I can take the later train so I can be here to see Jack off,” I quickly replied. Problem solved.

Our mornings are generally hectic. Breakfast, school lunches to be made, driving our daughter to high school, getting our own selves together and out the door–without forgetting anything, no less! That morning, everything went like clockwork. Everyone on time, nothing forgotten. I saw Jack off to school and then hopped in the car to head for the train station right on time. Patting myself on the back for a job well done.

But when I got to the train station, there were no parking spots left. I don’t have a monthly parking pass, so I rely on availability of daily spots. But NOTHING. Panic set in. I knew that I was going to have to find another way…and I knew that I would not make my train.

A few tears (and a hella good primal scream) later, I had to drive back home, and because I had no other option, I had to walk to the train station and catch another train. Luckily, we live in a small town, with two stations within reasonable walking distance (although it’s still better to drive!). And I got to work over an hour later than I planned.

BUT HERE’S THE THING. I knew right away where I made my critical mistake. And it was right at the beginning. Without thinking, without talking anything through, at the first sign of potential conflict I IMMEDIATELY put my own needs last. I offered to wait until our son was off to school. Even though:

1. He was perfectly capable of getting himself out the door to school on his own.

2. Getting to the station early would ensure I got a parking spot.

3. My husband wasn’t even asking me to leave later. (I auto-pilot assumed that he was.)

In true mom-martyr fashion, I “took one for the team,” I knee-jerked myself into thinking I had to solve a problem that wasn’t necessarily a problem by setting aside what I knew would be better for me.

Realizing all of this, I know I should have hit pause right from the moment my husband expressed a concern. Rather than jumping to conclusions, I should have asked for more details. What was he concerned about? Can we ease his worry? What other options do we have? How can we come up with a solution together? At the same time, I needed to allow myself to advocate for my own needs as well. That means recognizing and accepting that my needs are important, too. It’s so easy to automatically assume that you have to make the sacrifice, but it can come at a cost–anxiety, resentment, anger, overwhelm, or other soul-draining emotions that stagnate and build over time. And who knows? Maybe I would have had to walk to the train after all, but at least it would have been after careful consideration of all options, without the stress and drama, and I might even have made the originally intended train!

In this case, no harm done. The worst thing that happened was that I was late to work (but got my steps in, at least!). But this was such a clear example of how so much angst and frustration can be avoided with one small change in mindset.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Also, this reminds me of one of my all-time favorite Tony Randall moments from The Odd Couple (yes, I am dating myself!). For a little levity, check out the video clip: