You reached the end of your rope, you were feeling overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, resentment was creeping in. You heard about boundaries and the lightbulb went on – YES, this is just what I need!

But…you tried to set boundaries, and they are NOT WORKING.

Here are a few reasons why this may be the case:

1.     You’re trying to change their behavior.

The #1 rule of boundaries is, you are 100% responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions—and not at all responsible for the thoughts, feelings and actions of others.

We can’t change other people’s behaviors; we can only focus on our own. So, if your boundary is focused on making someone else think, feel or act differently, you may be disappointed.

Instead, think about what you can do in the situation you want to change. What can YOU do differently, how can you think differently, RESPOND differently? By focusing on the things you can control—WITHIN YOU—you put the power in your hands to improve your circumstances.

2.     You haven’t communicated your boundaries clearly—or at all.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? When it comes to boundaries, if another person is involved, it helps to let them know what’s going on – this can save a lot of confusion and friction in the long run.

If you decide that, when your partner yells at you, you are going to walk away—but don’t communicate this to your partner—that action could potentially escalate the situation. And make it harder to follow through the next time. 

The same holds true if it’s a boundary with yourself. Think about the same situation, an argument with your partner, and you tend to lash out when you get emotional, worked up, “flooded”—and the whole conversation always blows up from there. If you decide you will walk away when you start to feel yourself getting “flooded,” but don’t clue your partner in, it may communicate an entirely different message than intended.

There can be times when it may not be necessary to communicate your boundaries ahead of time. For example, if you set a boundary to block time on your work calendar and not accept any meeting requests that are booked over that time, your coworkers will eventually get the point.

Taking this communication concept one step further, consider: before setting a boundary with another person, have you communicated your needs, the needs that aren’t being met and are causing you to need a boundary?

I have a friend who works out of the home full-time, and her husband stays at home with the kids during the day. The minute she walks in the door, her husband makes a beeline for the bedroom and holes himself up in there until dinner. She feels overwhelmed and frustrated that she has no “transition time” to prepare to take over with the kids and handle dinner. Now, she could decide to bring the kids right up to the bedroom and jump in the shower to escape…or stop at Starbucks on the way home for an hour to unwind. But what might be helpful first is having an honest conversation with her husband to let him know how she feels and what she needs—and to understand what he needs in that situation as well. They may be able to come up with a middle ground that works for them; if not, then think about that boundary.

Want to learn more about creating a boundary statement that will help you communicate clear, appropriate, and sustainable boundaries? Download my “Setting Healthy Boundaries” worksheet!

3.     Your consequences are not sustainable.

If it drives you absolutely crazy that your spouse never uses the directional signal in the car, you’re not going to jump out of the moving vehicle every time he fails to do it—right? Now that’s an extreme and kind of silly example, but sometimes when we are so frustrated with a situation, we can knee-jerk a boundary that is not practical, or won’t work in the long term.

If we can’t follow through with the consequences in a boundary consistently, it sends mixed signals and becomes harder and harder to maintain over time. Frustration and resentment can build back quickly.

Here’s a more practical example. My workspace is in the living room—family traffic central. For a while now, I’ve had a boundary that if anyone tries to interrupt me while my “busy” sign is up on my desk, I will not respond. It worked for a while, but over time, I’ve found it harder and harder to focus and stick to my commitment. And every time I break my boundary, it becomes even harder to justify it the next time. As a result, my family is never quite sure whether I am “open” to interruption. It’s frustrating for ALL of us! My boundary is no longer sustainable, and it’s time to figure out another way. I’m in the process of moving my workspace entirely – I’ll let you know how that goes.

Another piece of the sustainability puzzle is this: making sure the consequence is an appropriate response to the situation. Does the level of your response fit the circumstances—or are you bringing a gun to a knife fight? Think of my initial example in the car. Or, another extreme example: what if I decided to blow an air horn every time my family interrupted my work? While these are options, the punishment just doesn’t fit the crime…for any of us.

So when you set your boundary, think about the long game and ask yourself – is this something I can do consistently? Is it truly going to reduce my stress to maintain? Or is it going to cause me more friction in the long run? Also: does the consequence match the infraction? Is it an appropriate response?

4.     You’re setting boundaries out of anger or resentment, and not with love.

 This is really important. While the need for a boundary may come out of feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment—the act of the boundary really must be from a place of love. Love for the other person, perhaps, but more importantly—love of yourself. If we act out of anger and resentment, we’re really cutting off our nose to spite our face. The boundary becomes a punishment, instead of a moment of self-empowerment.  It takes a heck of a lot more energy to sustain, and rather than alleviate those negative feelings, it will only magnify them—and you run the risk of BURNING OUT.

When you come at your boundaries from a place of love, you can find power in knowing that you are doing what’s right for you.

Keep these four things in mind and flip your boundary script—see what happens!